October 4th, 2016…
I let myself get upset because I have not completed what I wanted to by the end of September.
I am still 2 weeks away from finishing the last part of Street Junky. Old familiar feelings of being angry with myself, feelings of doubt, rejection, and inadequacy, ran rampant through my brain. Thoughts like: I’ll never finish this book, I don’t have enough time in a day, I’m not a writer, I’m a fraud, No one will buy this book started to play in my head skipping like a scratched Compact Disc.
Aaaargh. I’m a failure was what I told myself after my run today. What??? I just finished jogging six miles ant it wasn’t even 6 am and I was telling myself that I was a failure! My run felt forced and was not enjoyable. What a drag. Why does this happen? I’m talking about all these devastating thoughts which cause me to experience such dread. Why do I still try to defeat myself?
First, it happens because I failed to reach my deadline. Is this due because I didn’t put in the time or energy to complete the project by the deadline I set for myself? Or is it because I allowed myself time to finish an eBook about tattooing that I had been working on simultaneously. I did finish it and it is now published on Amazon/Kindle. Why am not proud of this accomplishment? I beat the resistance that Steven Pressfield writes about in The War of Art and Turning Pro. I pushed past perfectionism and published the eBook. This is progress and a milestone. I have turned pro. Now I need to keep with up with my goals each day as a pro. I should be fucking excited!
I must continue to write and rework my goals and steps to achieve success.
I must connect with my Muse each day and write. I need to exercise eat right, smoke less. do my day job until I can step out of the 9 to 5 and live as a pro. I must tell myself this every day and work hard to manifest the reality I seek for Eddie and myself.
Part two of what my self-destruction taught me today. I thought all these negative thoughts for several days. Today something happened. I looked past the person in the mirror. I saw me for who and what I have yet to become and I smiled. It was the first time I think that my smile was not forced or just some stupid look on my face.
Why today did I like what I see?
Well, I am glad you asked because I am going to tell you.
I realized something amazing. I am going to say this again. I realized something amazing about myself and it wasn’t told to me by a mentor or friend.
7 years ago
I have come a long way.
I thought back 5 years and I saw me.
Dirty. Skinny. Scraggly. Smelly. Unkempt.
I was still Homeless Alone Hungry and Cold.
I wasn’t shouting dope any longer but I was still on the streets begging.
It was around this time that change was happening.
Internally. Intrinsically. Methodically. I was still living in squats or crappy hotel rooms.
Sleeping with crusty punks and their dogs.
Fighting the desire to just escape back into the easy life of needles and dope.
I was on methadone and surrounded by negativity.
The battle inside was furious. Somehow, I managed to work through the negative and begin this transition.
School. internship. Pies n Thighs (LIES AND ALIBIS) -shift captain cook. Counseling others at PAC and counseling friends still living on the street.
Slowly losing articles of crusty clothing and washing off many layers of dirt and grime shed. I started to love myself. Yet, THE BATTLE RAGED ON!
My mother passed away during this time. I befriended my sister for a brief period. She had not changed. The only good that came from my sister and my being reunited was that my mother died to see us together as a family. This was all she wanted and we made it happen. Shortly after her passing my sister became her greedy, lying self. I could not take this so I removed myself from her life. Permanently. I forgive her for all the emotional and financial instability she has caused in my life; I just cannot allow myself to entertain the idea that we can live as brother and sister, ever. She has shattered any hopes of this ever happening.
In the past two years, my outer appearance has shown the changes. I bathe daily. Keep my hair short and go to work. I enjoy my job some days and despise it on others. I still go. The old Johnny would quit as soon as he realized something was askew.
2 Years ago
Now I am here. I still at work today and I am typing the rest of this blog. I made it through the day. It took everything in my power to get into the office today. I am dealing with passive-aggressive colleagues who are still in treatment. Colleagues that haven’t a clue on how to deal with their feelings and a work environment. Colleagues who think I am raking them over the coals as they snitch on me for leaving early. Yes, I leave earlier than the time that is written on a piece of paper nit my work is done and I write the exact time I leave on my timesheet. They snitch on me and my boss tells them that their only concern should be what they are doing not what I am doing. Still, I am alienated at work. It sucks coming here. It makes for a long day. I never considered hanging out with my colleagues after work but not talking during work is stressful. Fuck it. I handle silences better than most. I will get over this I always do. My work will be performed better and faster without having to teach someone how to copy and paste. Yeah, I said it. Haha. Right?
Now, this brings me to the real essence of this blog post. I am fighting a lot of stress in my life now. I am fighting resistance. I am fighting slipping back into the old Johnny. I am fighting every day for my life. I understand this. I work hard to maintain. Not everyone understands what goes thru my head in a day. What I realized this am is that what doesn’t go through my head every day.
I AM DOING IT!
I am achieving it! I am becoming the best manifestation of Johnny this world has ever seen.
I do not pat myself on the back enough. I do not give myself enough credit. Today, I smiled and screamed, “Yes, Mother F’er! I am here. I am Johnny. I am proud to be alive and breathing today. DEAL WITH IT!” A great man oonce told me those words and i forgot to live by them, but I am back and I remember so yeah, ” DEAL WITH IT!”
This is what I am talking about. Yeah, I fell short last month. I still worked every day… on my book… at my job… on my marriage… on my eBook… at my keeping a needle out of my arm… at running more miles in an hour…at cutting back on eating junk food…at smoking fewer cigarettes…at becoming less angered…less stressed…at eating fewer calories…at living a healthy productive grateful life!
This is what this blog is about. It is about celebrating all the victories I achieve every day I get out of bed. It is about hoping you and everyone who reads this will also start celebrating all their achievements each day!
So basically all I really want to say is. Failures happen and they will always happen. Before you concentrate only on your failures take the time out of your day and think where you were yesterday, last week, a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago.
Now doesn’t life look a little bit better?
Now take and think where you want to be in the next 6 months and go for it!!!!!
Write down the goal. Plan the steps and do something each and every day to make it real. Make it live. Make it happen.
It’s on you and no one else, but you! And I am no longer feeling sorry for myself
Believe. Achieve. Succeed!!!
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